Years ago (God, I can’t believe it’s been that long), I did a post that was nothing but pictures of Fat Guys with me proving how awesome those men were. You can see it here. It is the most viewed post on this blog. I decided to do a bit of a sequel to it. Except a little different.  Instead of talking about men like the one pictured above, look at that Dapper Mother Fucker, I’ll be working the other side of the coin. Welcome to the first Awful Fat Guy edition of Fat Friday. 

Before I get to the bad stuff, I want to take a second and remind you that Fat can be Awesome. Take the man above. That man is opulent. He is also totally going to sleep with you girlfriend.  I found that picture after doing some very depressing research of this post. I needed a bit of a palette cleanse and to reassure myself that Fat Guys could be cool. That is also where the picture at the beginning of the post came from. But not every picture I found after searching ‘fat guy fashion’ was good.

Who here hates hipsters? All of you? Good. The only thing worse that a Hipster is a Fat Hipster.  I mean do they even make artisan Doritos? Do you still call them skinny jeans when they’re on fat asses? These guys are trying real hard to get a Lumber Jack thing going. To bad they look like Lumber Jackasses. Also as a fat guy, I know that it’s hard to find clothes that fit but that sweater is dying! For the love of COTTON man take it off!

There is a term that is thrown around in the Fat Community, yes we have our own community. It’s actually pretty big. Get it? Anyway. That term is Strong Fat. For can see examples of it here and here. This guy is going for that and failing. To be strong fat you have to have, what are those things called? Oh, right. Muscles.

I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. The Hair? The piercings? The Gut? The fact that this picture is apparently from Sherdog which implies he is a MMA fighter? Have you ever had so many options that you don’t know where to begin.  You know what? Fuck all that shit. Look at his face. He is sure of his awesomess. It’s actually sad. It’s like “We totally believe you could take that guy, Dan. Just, put your shirt back on and finish you beer.”

In that previous post I mentioned, I found a surplus of pictures of Fat Guys on Scooters. One of the pictures I found, showing that unholy union, is the one above. I couldn’t make that picture seem awesome. Wanna know why? It’s the truck in the background. That dude could barely fit in the bed of that truck and here is on that scooter. That man looks less like he’s riding a scooter and more like he’s trying to store it in his ass for winter.

And then there’s this guy. On the one had he got a full size motorcycle, although everyone knows that Fat Guys need to ride Harleys (It’s in the Magna Carta, look it up.). On the other hand, look at those TITS! Fat Guys have Moobs, it’s a sad reality (I have them myself), but those are tits. I swear to god he looks like he has implants. I bet he knew he could never fit a girl on the back so he decided to cut out the middle man. Also that son of a bitch is wearing flip flops. So to add up, wrong motorcycle, tits, and flip flops. The only way he could fuck up more is if he had his nips pierced.

This is another Fat Guy trying and failing at Strong Fat. To make matters worse he’s totally pulling of the ‘Bro Dude Douche bag’ look.

Let’s do another failed Strong Fat. I love this guy’s face. I can just hear him grunting while ‘flexing’.

This guy is fucking with me. He knows that shirt doesn’t fit, how could he not it‘s screaming! He took this picture because he thought it’d be funny.  But he went too far. He looks like a serial killer that is wearing the clothes of the young boy he just killed and ate.  That is the face of a man who ate literal Baby Back Ribs.

You know when you see a commercial about kids starving in Africa? Towards the end they show the kids eating so you can see the effect your money will have. None of those kids have been as happy to eat as this dude. The thing is he just finished eating 3 minutes ago. I kid you not, that man just polished off a pack of Twinkies while that, whatever it is, was cooking.

This picture was taken right before the most aggressive threesome ever. I don’t have anything bad to say about these gentlemen honestly. I just wanted to give something to compare the following picture with.

If I’m honest, I’m not sure I believe this is a picture of a real person. It can’t be. There is no way anyone has that little shame. Can you imagine him trying to take that Speedo off? That thing is a part of him now. They have bonded to create an undying nightmare that you can never wash from your mind.

I love this guy. He just doesn’t care. I’m not even going to insult him.

This guy on the other hand.  He doesn’t even own a bike. How, you ask, can I know that? Because if owned a bike he wouldn’t fucking look like that. I don’t know what’s worse the fact that his stomach is so big the shirt can’t cover it or the socks/sandals combo he is rocking. Nah, forget those, the worse thing about this picture is his fucking hat. Not even his hat fits.

Do you think those tattoos are real? I can just imagine the Tattoo Artist stifling his laughter as he applied the stencil for that gun. This dude is failing on dual levels. Not only is he making fat guys look bad but he’s making white people look bad as well. Could be worse though.

I’m not saying that Rick Ross is a wannabe thug. I wouldn’t dream of that. As far as I know he is an actual thug. When I said ‘worse’ I was talking about tats. While the Tattoo Artist from the picture above was holding in laughter, Rick’s guy was trying not to gag. I wonder if his underboobs are tatted as well? If not Rick’s going to have to get some more work done now that he’s lost some weight.

Let’s stick with Celebrities for a second. I wasn’t sure if I should use this picture. I mean its Steven Segal! Under Siege was an awesome movie. My mom took me to see it after my first communion. She made me close my eyes when the stripper showed up, but I got to see all the violence. That sentence by the way is America in a nutshell.  The thing is, that movie was a long time ago and there is no denying that picture. Also there was that whole sex slave thing…..I'm just going to move on.

We’re getting close to the end. In the last post I had a picture of a guy cosplaying as The Kingpin. It was the perfect choice for a Fat Guy, probably the only choice. This guy went another way.  You know what pisses me off about this dude? The lack of commitment. At least take the glasses off and get a wig. If you’re gonna embarrass yourself for our amusement do it the right way!
        

                           

Before I hit the coup de grace, I wanted to show you this picture. I love this guy’s face.  He knows he’s fat and bald, but he is just luving life. He has a girl and is on a beach what more is there?

You know that old joke black Standup comedians would tell. The one about watching the news and hearing about some stupid crime and hoping the culprit wasn't black? It always end with the saying something like "Dammit Leroy!". That's how this picture makes me feel.

When I first saw it I thought this guy was indulging in a weird fetish. I know there are people who get off on pretending to be babies. But no, that’s not the case. The guy has a bottle of liquor in his hand. This isn’t a kinky sex thing, that I could accept. Instead this asshole is probably going out dressed like that as a joke. Maybe it’s Halloween or he’s going to a Costume Party. That means this, this ugly, embarrassing, demeaning, disgusting atrocity was done for a laugh. But what makes it worse is his face. That stupid look on his face. He is mocking me. This fucker is wearing that outfit to mock all decent Fat Men. This is some sort of self loathing hate crime.


All right that’s it. I’m spent. I’m not sure when I’ll be back with the next post. Due to way I’m getting online at the moment I lose internet for the last week of the month. I’ll try to get back as soon as I can. Until then Remember that Fat Guys can be Awesome. Not these dudes though. These guys sucked.

Quick Disclaimer. I don't own or claim to own any of these pictures.