Things have gone from bad to worse. Where to begin. On Tuesday morning my mother went to the hospital, for an appointment with her psychiatrist and an interview for a rehab program. I wasn't there. I didn't go with her the night before either. I don't know why. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's one thing to deal with the problems at home, but I just didn't feel strong enough to deal out there. I was also afraid of what might happen next.
After telling her doctor about her recent problems, it was recommend that she be admitted to the metropolitan psych ward. That was what I was afraid of. Maybe I have abandonment issues, or maybe the fact that I had been there tainted the idea for me. Whatever the reason, the prospect of my mother being admitted paralyzed me. I spent the entire day desperately trying to kill the thoughts in my head. However suicide never crossed my mind. So, yay me.
As it turned out my mother changed her mind after a glimpse of what the psych ward would be like. Eventually she came home worse for ware. But she was home. Which was the only thing that mattered to me.
After another bad night we awoke to the prospect of a new day. Instead of embracing the possibility I hid from it. I left my still sick mother to herself. I can't tell you how ashamed of my cowardice I am. Even with my betrayal she did what she had to. Showing me again how strong she can be. Of course during the remainder of the day there where ups and downs. That's life.
I know that what I wrote doesn't do justice to the actual events but I wanted to put it here while it was still raw. I also know that no one is reading this, but it is my hope that putting this out there will do me some good. If nothing else.
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